Final entry

I can barely move. Whatever was left inside is long since dead. the pain in my chest makes me want to die. its the loss of everything. the cold realization that no matter what happens the pain will overwhelm me. nothing matters. not one thing gives me pleasure. the one that gave me a little happiness i now realize is a hopeless struggle. I hate people. I hate what has been done to me. i'm so sick of hiding it all. there is no point in life. is their a point in living? the thought of going through another day makes me cry. hopelessness, suffering, I can't stand it. How did I let them take this from me. no more hiding it. THINGS WILL CHANGE. NO ONE WILL DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE. I will not be hurt again. Lead the meaningless life and destroy each other. NO

MAY 14TH

Why the hell can't I write anymore? Might as well freewrite.
I have no paper and nothing to write with.
I have to get something out.
I have no one to vent to.
I guess its true. I guess its true that
love leads to hate. I never could understand
a statement like that before. cuz if u
care about something to point of love how can you grow to hate it.
well after being abused and hurt so many times i guess any things possible.

I want to talk about relationships. i want to talk about male macho attitudes.
I want to talk to things that haven been running through my head for the last
few days. but i cant. it seems so clear. But i'm to upset to organize my thoughts.
I just find it too hard to Focus right now when all I want to do is hide in a
corner and cry.
how can I focus on anything...
remembering what happened a year ago today. I thought everything was gonna change I had
hope for the future.

IT WONT TAKE MUCH FOR IT ALL TO CRUMBLE
A SIMPLE SHOVE AND YOUR PEDESTAL WILL TOPPLE
A CUT FROM THE KNIFE AND THE WOUND WILL OPEN
THE PAIN HIDDEN WILL FLOW FORTH
YOU WILL SUFFER
THE COOKIE CRUMBLES AND THE WASTED LIFE IS OVER


NOTHING IS WRONG.
THERE ARE NO WORRIES
THE WORLD IS PEACEFUL AND PEOPLE ARE GOOD
BUT DEEP DOWN YOU WONDER. IF EVERYTHING
IS AS IT SEEMS. UNHAPPY WITH YOURSELF
THESE THOUGHTS ARE PLACED DEEP IN THE MIND.
REPRESSING WHAT IS INSIDE YOU GROW WEAKER EACH
DAY. THE HURT GROWS MORE
AND MORE. WHEN THE TIME COMES TO MAKE A CHOICE
WHAT WILL IT BE?

I can't take this anymore

I have to tell her. I have to do it soon. I've never felt so strongly about anything in my life. And to see her and hide my feelings is killing me. Fuck. How did I arrive at this? I wish I could express myself better in person. But everytime I go to say something the words just melt in away or come out wrong. I just want to be so careful. I know how (indecipherable) been fucked over. And I want to be as careful as possible. I know its a long shot but i gotta give it a shot. I'll never live with myself. The whole things surreal...me falling for someone like this. but as usual the outcome is already written. I cant even believe ive written this. oh as usual this whole situation is utterly awful. If she wins that damn pageant it's all over. i'm so scared of the outcome. i'll lose her for good if she wins. or comes close to winning. but hopefully if she loses this bullshit charade will all come to an end. It's hard to believe my best friend is a fuckin aspiring model. it goes against everything I stand for but frankly right now I don't even care. thats not what hurts the most though. the what hurts the most is the things she says are too much of a coincidence...almost unreal

"How can--------------------

im not possibly wriring this out but they are forever etched into my mind.

I don't wanna write anymore.

this whole situation is like a nightmare and its torturing me.
writing did nothing to ease the pain.
Do I mean anything to anyone.
nothing is ever easy.

The closeminded surburban town
Draining life
Stuck in a situation which seems
impossible to escape
Years go Buy and still trapped
No work No money
The empty threats continue to pour in
As I sit and wonder
NO FRIENDS TO MY NAME AND NO WHERE
to go. I AM ALONE-

Your "so in love you tell me" - but yer bruise covered body says otherwise
as you come home and cry everyday
hoping he'll treat you better.
the same scenario all over again.
Your conditioned belief of love. You will always
be fucked. Its time to wake up and take control

I can see it happening again.

I can't afford to be hurt again. is it my fate for it to happen over and over again? People change. People change all too quick. i'm just left in the middle of it. i'm the remains, the truth that is thrown away. Discarded. it was all lies. It was all illusion. Things are back to the way they were years ago. One step Forward two steps back. I don't know where to turn. I can no longer go to anyone for support. I'm on my own again. I don't know what to do next. I've tried it all and failed. So I sit here... waiting my life away. Hope fading more and more each day. I just wish I had somewhere to go. someone to see. But the rubble remaining that was my life says otherwise.

I'm sitting hold on a Sat. holding back the tears. I can't believe things have resorted to this. I thought the days after days of sitting in darkness had passed. For the 1st time I saw hope in something again. But alas the outcome was the same. I don't know what to do. I've tryed to find work. I've tried to socialize again. I've tried to better myself. But years and years of constant (breaks off).

I Feel It

I can Fell the urgency
I NEVER thought it'd go so low
I can never Forgive
I can never Forget
Why must I sit back...
I want to burn it all down
burn down everything that I was
start over...but
NEVER FORGIVE
NEVER FORGET
what has been done to me
this time it wont heal
the wound will never close
my life...everything I was is dead
No time for excuses
this must end. it must end tonight.