Final entry

I can barely move. Whatever was left inside is long since dead. the pain in my chest makes me want to die. its the loss of everything. the cold realization that no matter what happens the pain will overwhelm me. nothing matters. not one thing gives me pleasure. the one that gave me a little happiness i now realize is a hopeless struggle. I hate people. I hate what has been done to me. i'm so sick of hiding it all. there is no point in life. is their a point in living? the thought of going through another day makes me cry. hopelessness, suffering, I can't stand it. How did I let them take this from me. no more hiding it. THINGS WILL CHANGE. NO ONE WILL DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE. I will not be hurt again. Lead the meaningless life and destroy each other. NO

MAY 14TH

Why the hell can't I write anymore? Might as well freewrite.
I have no paper and nothing to write with.
I have to get something out.
I have no one to vent to.
I guess its true. I guess its true that
love leads to hate. I never could understand
a statement like that before. cuz if u
care about something to point of love how can you grow to hate it.
well after being abused and hurt so many times i guess any things possible.

I want to talk about relationships. i want to talk about male macho attitudes.
I want to talk to things that haven been running through my head for the last
few days. but i cant. it seems so clear. But i'm to upset to organize my thoughts.
I just find it too hard to Focus right now when all I want to do is hide in a
corner and cry.
how can I focus on anything...
remembering what happened a year ago today. I thought everything was gonna change I had
hope for the future.

IT WONT TAKE MUCH FOR IT ALL TO CRUMBLE
A SIMPLE SHOVE AND YOUR PEDESTAL WILL TOPPLE
A CUT FROM THE KNIFE AND THE WOUND WILL OPEN
THE PAIN HIDDEN WILL FLOW FORTH
YOU WILL SUFFER
THE COOKIE CRUMBLES AND THE WASTED LIFE IS OVER


NOTHING IS WRONG.
THERE ARE NO WORRIES
THE WORLD IS PEACEFUL AND PEOPLE ARE GOOD
BUT DEEP DOWN YOU WONDER. IF EVERYTHING
IS AS IT SEEMS. UNHAPPY WITH YOURSELF
THESE THOUGHTS ARE PLACED DEEP IN THE MIND.
REPRESSING WHAT IS INSIDE YOU GROW WEAKER EACH
DAY. THE HURT GROWS MORE
AND MORE. WHEN THE TIME COMES TO MAKE A CHOICE
WHAT WILL IT BE?

I can't take this anymore

I have to tell her. I have to do it soon. I've never felt so strongly about anything in my life. And to see her and hide my feelings is killing me. Fuck. How did I arrive at this? I wish I could express myself better in person. But everytime I go to say something the words just melt in away or come out wrong. I just want to be so careful. I know how (indecipherable) been fucked over. And I want to be as careful as possible. I know its a long shot but i gotta give it a shot. I'll never live with myself. The whole things surreal...me falling for someone like this. but as usual the outcome is already written. I cant even believe ive written this. oh as usual this whole situation is utterly awful. If she wins that damn pageant it's all over. i'm so scared of the outcome. i'll lose her for good if she wins. or comes close to winning. but hopefully if she loses this bullshit charade will all come to an end. It's hard to believe my best friend is a fuckin aspiring model. it goes against everything I stand for but frankly right now I don't even care. thats not what hurts the most though. the what hurts the most is the things she says are too much of a coincidence...almost unreal

"How can--------------------

im not possibly wriring this out but they are forever etched into my mind.

I don't wanna write anymore.

this whole situation is like a nightmare and its torturing me.
writing did nothing to ease the pain.
Do I mean anything to anyone.
nothing is ever easy.

The closeminded surburban town
Draining life
Stuck in a situation which seems
impossible to escape
Years go Buy and still trapped
No work No money
The empty threats continue to pour in
As I sit and wonder
NO FRIENDS TO MY NAME AND NO WHERE
to go. I AM ALONE-

Your "so in love you tell me" - but yer bruise covered body says otherwise
as you come home and cry everyday
hoping he'll treat you better.
the same scenario all over again.
Your conditioned belief of love. You will always
be fucked. Its time to wake up and take control

I can see it happening again.

I can't afford to be hurt again. is it my fate for it to happen over and over again? People change. People change all too quick. i'm just left in the middle of it. i'm the remains, the truth that is thrown away. Discarded. it was all lies. It was all illusion. Things are back to the way they were years ago. One step Forward two steps back. I don't know where to turn. I can no longer go to anyone for support. I'm on my own again. I don't know what to do next. I've tried it all and failed. So I sit here... waiting my life away. Hope fading more and more each day. I just wish I had somewhere to go. someone to see. But the rubble remaining that was my life says otherwise.

I'm sitting hold on a Sat. holding back the tears. I can't believe things have resorted to this. I thought the days after days of sitting in darkness had passed. For the 1st time I saw hope in something again. But alas the outcome was the same. I don't know what to do. I've tryed to find work. I've tried to socialize again. I've tried to better myself. But years and years of constant (breaks off).

I Feel It

I can Fell the urgency
I NEVER thought it'd go so low
I can never Forgive
I can never Forget
Why must I sit back...
I want to burn it all down
burn down everything that I was
start over...but
NEVER FORGIVE
NEVER FORGET
what has been done to me
this time it wont heal
the wound will never close
my life...everything I was is dead
No time for excuses
this must end. it must end tonight.

what the hell is wrong with me

why did i let someone get to me like this. I have enough as it is. I dont need to increase my suffering this way. maybe I should end this now? cuz I know no matter what I give her or how much I love her it will never be enough. the same way it was never enough before. why? why cant I have a touch of happiness? What am I doing wrong? im so fucking lonely. but why would someone care about me in the first place? Pointless existence. This hurts more than anything ive ever felt. The cold truth hits hard. but if i ever broke it off i dont know what id do. the only time im happy is when im with her. I cant just let everything go. forget about the pain for that short time. Yet the minute she leaves my side reality hits like a ton of bricks. I should have followed my instincts from day one and saw it for what it is. But I never thought in a milion years that I could care about someone like this. complete opposite of myself. for i've long grown out of the trivial bullshit parts of life. Too bad no one else has. I'm so naive.

I can't stand to hear how... it kills me.

PEOPLE SUCK. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING. MONEY, POWER and APPEARENCE. THATS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Its amazing to me its been one year

one year since it all fell apart. I had so much but was too ignorant and lazy to act on it. now its a year later and im in no better financial situation then I was before and im down to one friend. Now I dont know where to turn. schools over again and im lost.
i spend way too much time thinking and not acting. everyone else has moved on but im stuck here. ive learned so much about myself in the past year. lookin back i cant believe how ignorant and naive I was. ashamed to look back at it. I complain about losing people. some of it was my fault. some it wasnt. but i am forever changed drom what happened last year. and im not gonna let the few things that I hold dear slip away. its a shame I havent pulled myself together.

Accusations

Seperated from everyone

I suffer in silence

As they continue to talk

childish namecalling and stereotypes

Fill my ears daily

Say what you will! I will never become part

of your scheme

Tell me what I think

Tell me what I said

"Your full of shit" You know nothing!

Dont pretend to assume u know a thing about me

Just shut your mouth and stay away  from me.

too ignorant to form opinions on your own

I want nothing to do with it

You make me sick.  Statements made again and again

How dare you accuse me. A Fool in her costume.

I am not impressed by your foolish accusations.

Cant really say why I started writing again. It's been too long since ive written anything down. I just always Felt stupid doing it. thats an ignorant thing to say, but i'm sure many of the people around me would still say that today. cuz lets face it, its not very cool to express your ideas and feelings and to talk about it it. at least around here. But maybe it was lonliness., for I have no one to talk to anymore. The one person I could talk to about everything seems to have become to "cool" to talk about her Personal life with me. And this hurts me terribly, because I Love her so much. But isnt that always the way shit happens. Fuck it. what else is new. but im not gonna get into this shit here. or maybe it was out of bitterness or even hatred. I'm 18 and I automatically look for the bad in someone before the good. Sad, eh? I never wanted any of this... but what can I do...

An Act

Here we go again

You claim you suffer

You claim youve been wronged

Why should I feel pity for you?

I can see the ignorance on your face

Another hardluck story that youve brought on all yourself

Such a waste. so mistreated.

Yet you treat those who care about you like shit

------ITS ALL AN ACT. ITS ALWAYS BEEN

AN ACT--------

No one whose been through so much would that to someone

I havent been able to right a damn thing lately. I cant really say why that is. actually i havent done much of any thing lately just sat around the house waiting for something to happen. of course nothing ever does. shit. I always seem to write about the same thing over and over again dont I? well the main reason I write is to vent and relieve stress. so thats probably why the same topic is written about constantly. maybe if i had some motivation or something. I dunno.

So its been a year since fucking graduation and prom. its funny. ive changed so much

but certain things have not. 

I shouldn't let nonsense bother me but it does anyway. ive been saying i'm going to FUCK. I cant write about this nonsense anymore im just not in the mood.

I can't help but wonder what it is that makes people instinctively hate me

It really fuckin pisses me off when someone has to make bullshit comments from gossip stories theyve heard in there stupid highschool. its always criticize 1st ask questions later. if you dont like me thats good for you, but stop fuckin assuming things and puttin words into my mouth. but then again you gotta look around at what your dealing with.

trying to have intelligent conversations with someone is near impossible. showing your feelings or doing anything deemed uncool makes you an outcast. name calling and gossip?

how childish is that? things that happened over a year ago stay fixated in people's head. its impossible to get around this. and living here.

Pointless

Stupid life.

So far out of reach: the things I want

Wasted youth missed out on it all

too late. doomed from day one

Why must it be this way? Never once...I cant remember

too late. hope fades. whats been stolen

must be taken back

Goddamn this all

so much hate. its all gone

Life is no longer mine. taken from my hands

cant get away. hurts too much to sleep

one thing makes it all better. But for how long?

until just hurts more

same. always the same.

The more I look around the more I am astonished how blind people can be

It saddens me to look at the kids who base their lives on such trivial meaningless bullshit. These peoples lives are already over. Popularity? Fashion? Vanity? The things I hate the most. How many people really have an idea whats going on? I can't help but think back at all the kids...you know who i'm talking about. Back in HS.

They think they're better....becuz they have nice trendy clothes, popularity, looks, etc. But its already over for them: "go to school, get married, work until you die" 

I couldnt have put it better myself. Is this what I want? Is this how my life is gonna be? hell no.

I can look in their eyes....i can see it. doomed.

Before I used to think I could handle myself

But now I know thats not true. When threatened something just starts to flow. Like i could fucking punch through a wall or... ahh why even bitch about this stupid shit like that.

And last night I just wished I handled myself a little different. 

but last night...christ...this sounds...

well its hard to put into words. but being close to her (here I go again)

felt so fuckin good its unreal. Like i said its hard to put into words. ahh i cant cant possibly

even write something like that out cuz i cant even describe it. ah it makes me feel so good and I dont know why. anyway i know things are so far from id want them to be like but at least (ive said this 100x already) im finding some shit that makes me feel good. bout time i had some hobbies.

id kind of like to get into more. like a band...but my vox sucks. hah. oh well. who knows. or photography. i've been looking into that more and more and it fascinates me.

eh i guess thats if for now. its weird the shit i write. im not even sure what it is. i guess its just random throughts. oh well.

So bitter and hateful

From a life of abuse

I never wanted any of this

but i see now this is the only path to choose

All i ever wanted was to call

someone "a friend" but 18 years of lies and 

backstabbing

If it upsets you so much why the fuck are you doin it

what will it take to change your mind. How

far will it go. SO NEIVE. I know how it

will turn out.

I'm way too naive

Nothing can change until I at least come to grip with it.

FIRST off - no one is gonna hand me anything if I wanna get outta here. I have to do it myself. No one gets me a job. I'm gonna have to work for beans to get outta here. No one is gonna help me get a car.

SECOND - shit with Kate is hopeless. I love her to death but I gotta face the fact she is nothing more than a teeny-bopper. fashion, popularity, and looks are all that matter to her no matter what she says or what I think. its hopeless. she'll never be with me. i'm just gonna hurt.

THIRD - I have to grow up. Take care of myself. stop sitting around doing nothing. learn how to manage money and time. get off my ass. learn to talk to people again.

FOURTH - I'm never gonna be shit unless i get outta here. 18 years and I havent made a true friend. I hate this town.

Why the fuck do I even bother?

I should have known things wold turn out this way from the beginning. What will it take to change shit around? How much longer do I have to go through this? Finally found someone that truly makes me happy and look what happens. The same thing that always happens. Maybe i'm a "social idiot" I don't know. or maybe still naive though I doubt that. To think i'll still find someone to care for me. This is all bullshit? Why do I still believe that shit? It's been the same way for 10 years. Just to know someone gave a shit about me would make my life so much easier. Just to see what it's like...maybe it's too late. I'm so cold inside. no. not to say you care and then laugh about it the minute i leave. I feel like an asshole. Who am I to complain?...I can honestly say I hate it. Am i the only asshole who thinks this way? Seems like most people who claim that shit are full of shit. I wonder what it'd feel to (indecipherable) something, or to get what i've needed all this time.

The roles are played so well

man strong and careless

woman weak and caring

life is based on these preconceived notions

i wont apologize for my sex

no one will tell me how to think

i spit on this bullshit game

you are who you become

no gender stereotypes will control me

I'm so sick of apologizing for my sex. just another piece of shit to put up with. it is assumed i think a certain way the minute i walk into the room.

You cut like a knife

tortured day after day

How can you not care?

keep your eyes shut. the truth is kept hidden.

well its time to realize.

you're doomed.

deadpan expressions and emotions.

my feelings are shit.

watch what happens.

soon you will see what has been wasted

time is short. it's too late.

get the fuck out of my life.

i will not be abused any longer.

It's all so pointless.

Everything. 

How did it happen this way?

I can't imagine how things could have been.

but it all crashed. Blood Flows.

sometimes I wonder if everything I believe in and care about is all a farce.

Of course, there will always be the naysayers but that only solidifies my beliefs.

being around the public all day makes me realize how truly clueless everyone really is.

money to support their typical planned out lifestyles. not an original thought ever crosses their minds. Now hours and hours of my life belong to greedy american corporations...as cliched as it sounds. 5.20 an hour for painful labor that wastes life. What a crock. 

Nuthing to cheer me up.

Eh, except the one girl I blindlessly follow around thinking someone she'll wake up and realize what she means to me. but it is the same thing, people dont want to grasp any idea or thing that'll question their lifestyle  or ruin their appearance to others. But where would I be today if I got the good job, had the money, had the girl, or the friends for that matter. I'd be like everyone else. Does not one person understand what its like to live the way I do! The ones who claim to are the same as everyone else alive--just in a punk rock costume. What  makes that so different? 

Oh, that's right.

To look different and hate "the system" and believe in "anarchy." I fail to see the alternative in that. same fucking thing everyone else. everything handed to them. Shit, it's not easy for everyone. Everything I do seemed meaningless. I give so much to be shunned but yet no one understands why. Funny, isnt it? How the people who are supposed to sympathize with me are the same as the people I put with everyday. Everyone's the same no matter how they classify themselves. It's pointless to look anymore. the outcome of my life is always the same.

This is the language I use

Fuck me. i've been needing to write something down since last night and now I cant.

FUCK.

I can't believe it. maybe i'm too tired and sick.

I don't know. I'm upset. I lost a job again. Why can't I keep one for more than five days? Eh, I gave it a shot. Thats what I keep telling myself. im too tired to even get up and move. back to square one. the same place I started. Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes.

Relationships suck so bad. Thats what I keep telling myself. But how would I know? Ive never been in one. but i've learned that the thing is it isn't me. i dont wanna play game and hurt someone. I just want to know what its like to be loved, just for one minute. Fuck I hate bitchin bout this. why cant people just stop the bullshit and talk about how they feel? I see what people do to each other and it makes me sick. What a crock of shit. Looks, clothes, money doesnt matter to me. too bad no one else feels the same way. maybe its cuz ive been deprived of a relationship so i can say this and others cant. but when u find someone you truely care about and they dont want to relationship with you it hurts. especially cuz everything is based on trivial bullshit

Look at fuckin Kate. So ignorant, our friendship started the same way that Cotton's started and she fucking loved him even though he treated her like dirt. i treat that girl better than I ever treated anyone in my life but its not enough. I wouldnt care if she was fat, skinny, ugly...doesnt matter to me. but FUCK its me. TOO LATE TO BACK OUT NOW. So now i'm stuck. I love her too much. I would never want to hang around with someone like that if i had known. I hate being looked at like a joke. I hate her fucking trendy boyfriend and her claim to be "different". She's the same. Same as Grossman. Same as LaMaga.  You're not different! You have have the same teenage mind that everyone else does! "In your non-conformity you are so fucking conform" A simple song. But its so true its unreal, especially around her. store bought

rebellions and beliefs. ARGH I HATE IT! FUCK WHY DO THINGS AWLAYS HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH. Don't say i havent given. But this is reality. Harsh reality.

teenage things are you

Fuckin useless "kids"

play the role so well. like what you're supposed to:

malls, fashion, and boys

thinking its so ridiculous when someone speaks their mind.

let it be known the that truth is I despise your kind

so close minded 

what a waste of life

Why does this shit continue to happen to me

everytime the outcome is the same

used, cheated, and lied to

ive given all all I can, had the utmost respect but it is worth nuthin

and to you it will never be worth anything

blind to see those who truely care about you

as you continue to march in your parade of ignorance

never thinking twice about yer actions

never met a person I could trust, and things will always stay that way

fuck it

I would be lying to say

never have i seem someone as blind as you

you've become everything I hate