I can't take this anymore

I have to tell her. I have to do it soon. I've never felt so strongly about anything in my life. And to see her and hide my feelings is killing me. Fuck. How did I arrive at this? I wish I could express myself better in person. But everytime I go to say something the words just melt in away or come out wrong. I just want to be so careful. I know how (indecipherable) been fucked over. And I want to be as careful as possible. I know its a long shot but i gotta give it a shot. I'll never live with myself. The whole things surreal...me falling for someone like this. but as usual the outcome is already written. I cant even believe ive written this. oh as usual this whole situation is utterly awful. If she wins that damn pageant it's all over. i'm so scared of the outcome. i'll lose her for good if she wins. or comes close to winning. but hopefully if she loses this bullshit charade will all come to an end. It's hard to believe my best friend is a fuckin aspiring model. it goes against everything I stand for but frankly right now I don't even care. thats not what hurts the most though. the what hurts the most is the things she says are too much of a coincidence...almost unreal

"How can--------------------

im not possibly wriring this out but they are forever etched into my mind.

I don't wanna write anymore.

this whole situation is like a nightmare and its torturing me.
writing did nothing to ease the pain.
Do I mean anything to anyone.
nothing is ever easy.